Regular reminder that being an asshole is not a symptom of any form of neurodivergence. (You can replace “neurodivergent” with depressed, anxious, bipolar, etc. and the diagram works equally well)

ETA: social faux pas, awkwardness, and genuine symptoms of neurodivergence don’t make you an asshole. I shouldn’t have to say this? An “asshole” is someone who enacts a pattern of abusive, controlling, harassing, and/or harmful behavior with no remorse or concern for how other people are affected.

  • xmunk@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
    493·
    13 days ago

    I agree but would qualify my agreement with a note:

    Some of our neurodivergent traits come across as assholeish or rude behavior and while most of us try and temper and mask it does slip out especially in high stress situations.

    Intention matters.

    I think it’s my responsibility to explain to coworkers and make super sure they understand how I am especially after a high stress event (for me that’d likely be a server outage in production).

    • isaacd@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
      261·
      13 days ago

      This is true! But there’s a very easy way to tell the difference.

      When you find out you hurt someone’s feelings, do you apologize, express how terrible you feel about it, and try to do better? Not an asshole.

      Do you double down, make excuses, and blame them for feeling bad? Asshole.

      Saying the wrong thing doesn’t make you a jerk. Not caring about other people’s feelings, does.

      • ArbitraryValue@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
        8·
        13 days ago

        Do you double down, make excuses, and blame them for feeling bad? Asshole.

        I often inconvenience people in a particular way. (I’m very frequently late.) I apologize a lot but then I keep doing the same thing. It’s really hard for me not to, I get why this frustrates people, and I don’t blame anyone who refuses to put up with the inconvenience. However, people often assume that I keep inconveniencing them because I don’t respect them, and I want them to understand that that’s not what’s going on.

        • isaacd@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
          7·
          13 days ago

          Hey that’s valid! A good friend of mine has the exact same thing. He’s up front about it, he apologizes when it’s excessive, and he’s more than happy to explain why it’s difficult for him. It’s just a thing, and if I’m going to be his friend, that means accepting it about him.

          In other words, he’s done his best to help me understand him. Now it’s my turn to not be an asshole.

    • snooggums@lemmy.worldEnglish
      6·
      13 days ago

      Intention matters.

      It matters up to a point where the negatives outweigh the good intentions, same as everyone else.

  • 5oap10116@lemmy.worldEnglish
    34·
    13 days ago

    “I don’t care what’s wrong with you. If you’re an asshole, you’re an asshole”

    This has stuck with me for about 15 years now. A neurodivergent stage crew member who was consistently an asshole was being an asshole again, so this other kid just yelled at him and told him off. Everyone in the room gave him the shocked Pikachu face because he yelled at the ND kid. Someone said “dude, you cant yell at him” and then he laid down this quote.

    • NotMyOldRedditName@lemmy.worldEnglish
      31·
      12 days ago

      The sentiment is right, but using the phrase wrong with you, might be a little harsh. There’s nothing wrong with them, they are who they are.

      None of that excuses being an asshole though.

      Wrong with you would be more like if they’re going through a breakup and they aren’t themselves, or going through grief over something etc.

      But directed at a ND person where it can come off as being about their ND isn’t good.

      Edit: “I don’t care what’s going on with someone, if they’re an asshole they’re an asshole” would be a better option

      • 5oap10116@lemmy.worldEnglish
        6·
        12 days ago

        I don’t go around as a 30 something saying the words of a 15 yr old. Yes it is not as tactful as it should be and I understand the nuance but the idea is the same and I’m not going to change what happened.

  • octopus_ink@lemmy.mlEnglish
    12·
    12 days ago

    I think it depends. My son is deep on the spectrum. He’s pretty pleasant, and he can tell if he’s making someone upset or angry, but often has no idea why.

    I could absolutely see him being rude or making someone uncomfortable without knowing it, and in many cases I think it would be a challenge to help him even comprehend how or why he was doing so, even if he could tell it was happening.

    One of the things that makes me feel the worst for him is when he can tell he’s not handling a situation “correctly” but has no idea why. It really upsets him.

    So yeah, I cut people who I think might be ND some slack.

    • isaacd@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
      10·
      13 days ago

      You got me. Mastercard: the credit card for neurodivergents, assholes, and everything in between

  • enbyecho@lemmy.worldEnglish
    92·
    12 days ago

    This drives me bananas.

    On the one hand as someone with ASD, yeah, I would have loved to have a little more understanding growing up but on the other you do not get a free pass just because you are some flavor of “special”. Everyone is special. Everyone is a weird combination of neurotypcial and neurodivergent it’s just a matter of degree and how it’s all put together. When you say someone is neurotypical… how do you even know?

    When you say that something is not your fault because you are neurodivergent did you even try to find a work-around? Did you try to find away to make the other person more comfortable? Did you try to exercise the understanding you demand of others? Or did you just say you don’t have to?

  • merthyr1831@lemmy.mlEnglish
    6·
    12 days ago

    Elon Musk.

    Hell in the UK we had the (ex?) host of MasterChef, Greg Wallace, accused of being inappropriate with women in the workplace and making them feel unsafe and uncomfortable around him - Nothing illegal (that I know of), sure, but enough that he was rightfully dropped from whatever broadcaster was employing him.

    Cut to a week into the tabloid media meltdown, Greg claims he “thinks he’s on the spectrum” as an explanation for his sexually explicit and creepy behaviour around women. The usual shit where you’re neuro typical until you’re a prick then you’re actually an autistic smol bean uWu.

    When that didn’t help, he then showed his true colours by claiming the “typical” kind of woman (I’m assuming he’s referring to the trope of “ugly” women complaining about sexual harassment) making the complaints that got him fired.

  • rational_lib@lemmy.worldEnglish
    71·
    12 days ago

    When they ramble on about something you don’t care about or actively don’t want to discuss, say “Hey I don’t like this conversation, can we talk about something else?”

    Yellow: “Oh sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
    Red: “What? Why don’t you wanna talk about this, is it because you secretly hate me or are hiding something? Now I know we need to talk about it until I’m convinced you’re hearing what I have to say on this topic.”

    • Naia_Elwyn@lemmy.worldEnglish
      1·
      12 days ago

      When I realize I’m dominating a conversation I will try to give other people space to talk and also let them know they can tell me to shut up. I won’t take it too personally.

      • Bazoogle@lemmy.worldEnglish
        2·
        12 days ago

        Even if you let them know they can say shut up whenever, they likely won’t. The best bet is to do the first option all the time, because even with permission, most people still wouldn’t do it though they may want to.

  • Pronell@lemmy.worldEnglish
    61·
    13 days ago

    I was in a coffee shop a few years ago and a guy in line was wearing an O.G.R.E. shirt, a way old computer game from 1986.

    I said “Nice shirt! Never played that game, though.”

    Completely delighted, he ranted about his love for the game until my order was ready. And it was a bit hard to get away from him afterward.

    This is definitely someone who could’ve fallen into that category.

    But I don’t see it that way because I’m also neurodivergent and know people never engage with us like that. Might have made his day.

    Just a little story from that borderline in the Venn diagram.

    • rockSlayer@lemmy.worldEnglish
      5·
      13 days ago

      Sounds like you touched on their special interest. You almost certainly made their day, even if you felt a little awkward. I have autism and my special interest has changed several times, but that passion usually remains (especially if it lasted for a year or longer). It’s taken my entire adult life to figure out when people no longer care

    • glimse@lemmy.worldEnglish
      3·
      12 days ago

      I didn’t think anyone would have considered that asshole behavior. Annoying, maybe, but that doesn’t come across as mean.

      I think a better example would be something like a coworker saying “You said you’d send me that information yesterday” which can be interpreted as “hey can you send me that information you mentioned?” OR “hey fucko, you lied to me”

  • TrickDacy@lemmy.worldEnglish
    51·
    12 days ago

    If I had a nickel for every time someone says “this person’s being a huge jerk to me but I think they might be neurodivergent”

    Then I would have zero cents

  • The Menemen!@lemmy.worldEnglish
    41·
    12 days ago

    Reminds me of once when a friend told me a story how someone watched his dick when he was peeing. When he got angry someone calmed him by sayong “Don’t worry, he is just gay.”

    Yeah, why does this make sexual harasment any better?