Hello!
My boyfriend (21) and I (21) have been in a relationship for almost 3 years. Due to a 3 hour distance we see each other once a week. We have been having issues for a couple of months because he got severely depressed and is very distant towards me. I try to support him as much as i can, even though it‘s hard sometimes. Especially yesterday because it was my birthday and he didn‘t want to meet up due to his mental state. He also didn‘t talk to me all day and I always put in a lot of effort for his birthday (even though he rejected everything i planned this year because of his depression).
Anyways, i have an ex when i was 16-17, who was also my best friend and my neighbor. We started dating and he started doing heavy drugs. He was an alcoholic and an addict. He was in hospital 3 times for overdosing and due to all this he was also abusive. I carry a lot of trauma from that relationship, so my opinion of drugs (doesn‘t matter if it‘s weed or cocaine) is extremely strong. I hate it.
I told my boyfriend about this when we started dating and he agreed. A few months ago he went to the Netherlands and tried weed and mushrooms. It bothered me a lot so I told him that I thought i made myself clear. He said he only tried it for fun and won‘t do it again.
Yesterday he confessed to me that he was taking lsd and mushrooms when he goes to work because he hates work so much and he also, a week ago, tried meth (since then he hasn‘t been able to eat or sleep and he told me that it‘s because of his depression) I was flabbergasted of course. Just a week ago we talked about how taking drugs is stupid if it‘s not for medical reasons (and even that was a compromise from my side). He agreed with me (while foing drugs daily) AND THEN THE NEXT DAY tried meth.
He had never done any of these things before and did them knowing how i feel about it and did it without considering my feelings. I feel betrayed because he lied to me for 2 months.
At first he tried to blame me for my reaction "that‘s why i can‘t tell u things like this“ and "you don‘t understand how i feel“. He said that it‘s easy to judge from the outside but i don‘t understand? i always consider him when i do things. I would never do things i know he doesnt like for fun.
I would maybe have understood a little bit if he was doing it before we got together but he wasn‘t. He decided to do it and lie to me and now he‘s telling me that he hates sober life.
I am very lonely and i don‘t have anyone but him so I am laying in bed now thinking about what i should do. I know i should break up but i need someone to tell me if this is fucked up or if i am just overreacting because i don‘t have anyone to tell right now.
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The methamphetamine could be a problem.
You owe it to yourself, and only to yourself, to walk away.
Immediately and quickly.This is not your burden to bear.
I mean, he’s got to be free to live his life and make his mistakes like anyone should be able to.
And you need to bail now instead of later. This is a fundamental incompatibility. It isn’t something that can be talked away, or compromised on.
While he’s free to make his choices, he lied, multiple times. That’s worse than what he was lying about. If you’re going to be ina relationship with someone that has disclosed their deal breakers clearly, up front, you don’t just hide things. You be an adult, and be up front that you don’t agree to that restriction, and you wish the other person well as you walk away.
That isn’t easy, necessarily, but it’s the only healthy and respectful choice for both parties.
You are not overreacting. Doesn’t matter what specific dealbreaker was ignored and lied about, home boy should have said no at the beginning like an adult. He needs time to explore, and grow up, and that time needs to be without you.
You need and deserve a partner/boyfriend/SO that will be honest.
Again, not easy, nobody likes a breakup. But it really is that simple.
I’m not subbed to this thread and stumbled onto it on c/all. I remember threads like these on R*ddit and the responses seem similar: “just leave”. I don’t see how that’s helping. I understand your pain. And what he did is incredibly severe. I really hope he sees his mistake. If he does and apologises I think you can offer him help. Take him to seek professional attention and by the sounds of it a new job. It might help to share with him the severity and the repercussions if things don’t improve. Don’t get me wrong, he crossed a line. But if you’re willing to fight for him and your relationship I believe these steps might help. Be careful and tighten your boundaries.
Be careful and tighten your boundaries.
How exactly does she do that from three hours away? OP has no control or knowledge what he does 6 days of the week. That’s just not realistic or possible, there is no framework for trust here.
Take him to seek professional attention and by the sounds of it a new job. It might help to share with him the severity and the repercussions if things don’t improve
He needs to do those things for himself. It’s not OPs responsibility to try and fix him, nor is it even possible in this situation. They need to protect themselves more far more than they needs to hope a depressed BF is hiding a relapse hours away.
As you are both quite young, I hope this doesnt come across as patronising but there are a few points in what you have said there that I think would be constructive to address. But take my opinion/advice however you will!
Firstly, the most difficult one. You mentioned that he went to Netherlands and tried weed and mushrooms, he’s young, it’s his decision if he wants to experiment with those experiences, your comment that you “thought you made yourself clear” sounds quite controlling, and I would suggest reflecting on those impulses (I know they come from a positive place!) And ensuring that communication and compromise with partners in future is key to a healthy relationship. Likewise, if a partner wanted to control or limit your experiences in life. This may be worded poorly, but point is I would reflect on where these emotions and behaviours may be coming from within yourself and address this moving forward.
With that our of the way, the REAL issue here. My assumption would be that this is an immature person, who was not quite ready enough to handle the experiences of these drugs and has become quickly addicted to the high and the escapism, with no impulse control over himself or his actions. In some ways, it can be beneficial to have these experiences in life now when young, as opposed to later, however, that is only if he can find a healthy way out. Judging by his experimenting with meth, I would say he’s likely past the point of being able to do that without proper medical assistance and counselling.
BUT, that said, HE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX. It is not your fault. He is living his life the way he has chosen, and that does not align with your morals and values. You absolutely 100% should break up with him, ensuring that you put across that this is not what you are looking for in a partner, set your boundaries, express your concern for his wellbeing, and request that if he is not going to seek professional help then to be careful and safe. But after that, wipe the slate clean and move on.
Yes, it’s extremely difficult emotionally, and you may feel like you are abandoning him, but you are not. He has made his choices and they have diverted from yours and he is, once again, not your responsibility!
Better that way, in the hopes that he sees the error of his ways sooner and seeks help, because the alternative is you being dragged down with him. You need to be clear, firm, and set your boundaries that it is over, and BREAK CONTACT FOR AT LEAST 6 MONTHS. Do not get caught in the spiral, look after yourself and stay healthy!
tried meth (since then he hasn‘t been able to eat or sleep and he told me that it‘s because of his depression
😳
At first he tried to blame me for my reaction "that‘s why i can‘t tell u things like this“ and "you don‘t understand how i feel“.
Gas lighting BS.
and now he‘s telling me that he hates sober life.
Girl, that’s something he needs to work out himself. This is something he needs therapy over and it’s a huge giant red ass flag for him not being ready for a relationships.
I know i should break up but i need someone to tell me if this is fucked up or if i am just overreacting because i don‘t have anyone to confide in right now.
This is super fucked up and WAY MORE than enough reason to break up. Not to punish him but to protect yourself. Do you truly want to spend the next period of your life wondering if he was doing drugs three hours away? With that sort or commute you’ll be constantly forced to worry and wonder, this is such a massive breach of trust. Don’t fall for a sunk cost guilt trip, spending good years after bad with him hoping he improves will only breed resentment. Y’all don’t even have a basic framework of trust right now.
And I know this is a cliche and you’re an adult. But God 21 is still young, don’t waste time with Meth heads when you could be spending it with someone who respects, understands and cares about your boundaries.
GL Hon. I’m so sorry this is happening.
Especially yesterday because it was my birthday and he didn‘t want to meet up due to his mental state. He also didn‘t talk to me all day
That super sucks. Happy birthday btw! ♥
tried meth (since then he hasn‘t been able to eat or sleep and he told me that it‘s because of his depression
😳
At first he tried to blame me for my reaction "that‘s why i can‘t tell u things like this“ and "you don‘t understand how i feel“.
Gas lighting BS.
and now he‘s telling me that he hates sober life.
Girl, that’s something he needs to work out himself. This is something he needs therapy over and it’s a huge giant red ass flag for him not being ready for a relationships.
I know i should break up but i need someone to tell me if this is fucked up or if i am just overreacting because i don‘t have anyone to confide in right now.
This is super fucked up and WAY MORE than enough reason to break up. Not to punish him but to protect yourself. Do you truly want to spend the next period of your life wondering if he was doing drugs three hours away? With that sort or commute you’ll be constantly forced to worry and wonder, this is such a massive breach of trust. Don’t fall for a sunk cost guilt trip, spending good years after bad with him hoping he improves will only breed resentment. Y’all don’t even have a basic framework of trust right now.
And I know this is a cliche and you’re an adult. But God 21 is still young, don’t waste time with Meth heads when you could be spending it with someone who respects, understands and cares about your boundaries.
GL Hon. I’m so sorry this is happening.
I’m not a therapist or anything, so don’t weigh my words too heavily.
I feel that if you truly love him, then you will do what you can to get him out of using drugs, such as treatment and therapy for the depression.
On that same note, if he truly loves you, he will listen and seek the help he needs.
It doesn’t sound like an easy situation, being so far away, but something needs to be done at this point. [Edit] whether that be him getting clean or you leaving to focus on yourself.
Psychedelica are very useful in cases of depression, PTSD and such. Methamphetamine is a stimulant that, I can imagine, makes it easier for a depressed person to get to work.
All in all it’s not a sustainable situation to be in but since you live in the US he probably has no other choice than to keep it up -that- way.
To make the situation more sustainable:
- regulate the use of psychedelics into a medical treatment rather an coping mechanism, a single very high dose once a week is all it takes for a therapeutic effect
- switch from methamphetamine to dextroamphetamine, which is basically an ADHD medication. Still potent, but non-toxic. Maybe check for ADHD if your boyfriend isn’t getting energy from it but rather feels relaxed and resilient.
Work from there once the situation has stabilized and a constructive plan for the future has been built.
We actually live in Germany, which is why i don‘t feel like there is a need for self medication. We have free health care. He can get those medications for 5 euros from the pharmacy with a prescription from his mom who is a doctor, so a psychiatrist wouldn‘t even be necessary (imo still necessary but but he has easier access to it without finding a psychiatrist). I understand that it can help and he probably thought it was a way out for him but his circumstances really make it harder for me to grasp.
I don’t know you or your boyfriend, the situation you’re in, the nuances and nature of your relationship or anything else. Therefore I’ll limit myself strictly to substancees you mentioned and the therapeutic potential behind them.
Medication for ADHD is basically impossible to get in Germany if you don’t pay for it out of your own pocket at a private practitioner. Amphetamine, specifically dextroamphetamine, is a stimulant with serious risk of addiction and won’t be prescribed by anyone other than an expert psychiatrist and only after a rigorous testing. This is not something you can just get a prescription for.
And anti-depressants oftentimes do have no positive effect while lowering the quality of life with a plethora of significant side effects. This is something that usually does not get talked about. If SSRI’s or SNRI’s don’t work for you, meaning your problem is not serotonine-based, you are fucked. This is not a joke.
However, since you live in a country with a basic social security net, there are several options for your boyfriend like quitting his job for health reasons, using extended sick leave and several more.
In regards of your relationship troubles: a possible way forward, should you two so choose, could be a single macrodose of LSD once a week, 200µg at the minimum. That alone will cut his depressive symptoms in half and will get him at a place to understand his own inner workings.
All of that under the disclaimer that the use is therapeutic and constructive in intent, not abused as a coping and escape mechanism.
OP makes these posts. That to put it in the most polite way possible; dont seem to have any basis in fact.
Then they refuse to take anyone’s advice, delete the the thread (they leave the comments), then a few weeks later makes another unbelievable post.
Like, OP if any of anything you’ve ever typed is true, and every time every response is:
You’re basically children, just break up
Why the fuck do you bother staying together and then make new posts like you give a single fuck what anyone is going to tell you?
Because to be honest I think you’re just making stories up, but at this point that’s the only option that makes you look good.
I’m just blocking now tho, these aren’t getting any better.
He crossed your boundaries and being involved with people who are getting involved with meth is no fun.
I’d suggest you walk away and go no contact because things are going to get messy.
