Hello!
My boyfriend (21) and I (21) have been in a relationship for almost 3 years. Due to a 3 hour distance we see each other once a week. We have been having issues for a couple of months because he got severely depressed and is very distant towards me. I try to support him as much as i can, even though it‘s hard sometimes. Especially yesterday because it was my birthday and he didn‘t want to meet up due to his mental state. He also didn‘t talk to me all day and I always put in a lot of effort for his birthday (even though he rejected everything i planned this year because of his depression).
Anyways, i have an ex when i was 16-17, who was also my best friend and my neighbor. We started dating and he started doing heavy drugs. He was an alcoholic and an addict. He was in hospital 3 times for overdosing and due to all this he was also abusive. I carry a lot of trauma from that relationship, so my opinion of drugs (doesn‘t matter if it‘s weed or cocaine) is extremely strong. I hate it.
I told my boyfriend about this when we started dating and he agreed. A few months ago he went to the Netherlands and tried weed and mushrooms. It bothered me a lot so I told him that I thought i made myself clear. He said he only tried it for fun and won‘t do it again.
Yesterday he confessed to me that he was taking lsd and mushrooms when he goes to work because he hates work so much and he also, a week ago, tried meth (since then he hasn‘t been able to eat or sleep and he told me that it‘s because of his depression) I was flabbergasted of course. Just a week ago we talked about how taking drugs is stupid if it‘s not for medical reasons (and even that was a compromise from my side). He agreed with me (while foing drugs daily) AND THEN THE NEXT DAY tried meth.
He had never done any of these things before and did them knowing how i feel about it and did it without considering my feelings. I feel betrayed because he lied to me for 2 months.
At first he tried to blame me for my reaction "that‘s why i can‘t tell u things like this“ and "you don‘t understand how i feel“. He said that it‘s easy to judge from the outside but i don‘t understand? i always consider him when i do things. I would never do things i know he doesnt like for fun.
I would maybe have understood a little bit if he was doing it before we got together but he wasn‘t. He decided to do it and lie to me and now he‘s telling me that he hates sober life.
I am very lonely and i don‘t have anyone but him so I am laying in bed now thinking about what i should do. I know i should break up but i need someone to tell me if this is fucked up or if i am just overreacting because i don‘t have anyone to tell right now.
I mean, he’s got to be free to live his life and make his mistakes like anyone should be able to.
And you need to bail now instead of later. This is a fundamental incompatibility. It isn’t something that can be talked away, or compromised on.
While he’s free to make his choices, he lied, multiple times. That’s worse than what he was lying about. If you’re going to be ina relationship with someone that has disclosed their deal breakers clearly, up front, you don’t just hide things. You be an adult, and be up front that you don’t agree to that restriction, and you wish the other person well as you walk away.
That isn’t easy, necessarily, but it’s the only healthy and respectful choice for both parties.
You are not overreacting. Doesn’t matter what specific dealbreaker was ignored and lied about, home boy should have said no at the beginning like an adult. He needs time to explore, and grow up, and that time needs to be without you.
You need and deserve a partner/boyfriend/SO that will be honest.
Again, not easy, nobody likes a breakup. But it really is that simple.