I think the easiest way to describe how it feels is it is like having a tooth taken out.
You’ve had it removed because the pain is too much, and now finally that pain is gone, but instead you’re sat there feeling puffy and swollen from the recent trauma, and you’re just constantly aware of this gap where there used to be something present.
Just like going to the dentist, it gets better though. And I’d do it again in a heart beat if I had to make the same decision.
For me, the most difficult thing was being alone. For 12 years, my entire identity was husband & father. Now when I found myself alone, I had no sense of who I was. That was the darkest time for me. I’ve also seen others struggle at this stage. Having friends or family that you can reach out to is a HUGE help! Thankfully I was very fortunate to have a large, loving, and very close family. But even with these resources, I’ve seen other family members turn to darker, more destructive habits after spending that time alone.
It sucked, but it was the right call. As soon as I got sober, I realized that we didn’t belong together. To put it plainly, I didn’t enjoy spending time with her. Something the alcohol masked tremendously. Luckily I had some support from friends, but even that came with caveats. I went from being respected, to being seen as a creepy outsider within my friend group, which was very weird. I hosted two great parties whilst married, and once single, I decided to throw a Halloween costume party rager, and nobody showed up. It’s like taking a very large cut to your social standing.
I also had some random people come out the woodwork trying to jump my bones, and it was such a turn-off, gave me the ick. I honestly should have just moved to a new city after the divorce, it would have made things easier.
I made the same mistake a lot of freshly de-coupled people make, trying to date WAY too early. Like, 6 months after the end of a decade long relationship, is not the time to start a new long-term relationship. As time goes on, now I’m 3 years post-divorce, and due to some more personal turmoil, I’m only now opening myself up to the possibility of trying to date again. It sucks that doing the right thing is usually also the hard thing, and takes time to get over.
I was very sad of course, but we still lived together for a month before they finally found a place to live, and we were really getting at each other’s throats by the end. But my God, the moment they left and I knew I finally had the place to myself, it was the happiest I’ve ever been. I was on cloud 9 for like 3 months, just pure fucking joy the likes I’ve never experienced since. I think it was just finally being free and knowing I could properly move on with my life. I cleaned the whole apartment like a crazy person, bought new furniture, bought a new PC. It was like having a new lease on life. 10/10 would recommend getting a divorce when your marriage isn’t working anymore and you both tried your best.
Getting better all the time!
I only regret not leaving earlier, I was worried my ex might die as he was in a really bad place, had become radicalized on the internet, drink and abusive, I should have left before I too did things I ought not have done, and should have worried much more about the kids and less about him.
But my life immediately improved, as did my children’s lives. And it’s been a steady climb upward. My ex floundered for quite a few years but found his way too, quit drinking, that helped a lot. He eventually caught up on child support, before the last kid was 18, even. Is not prospering but is much more stable.
I used to argue with him that he should straighten himself out while he had the love and support of a family but I guess everyone has to find their way however they can. I will say his life getting worse while mine got better, while it didn’t make me happy, did make me feel secure in the decision to leave.
I finally feel in control of my life and not emotionally beholden to someone who takes advantage of my kindness and refuses to do their part to make things work. I am now a lot more financially strained but I am so much more at peace. It’s been eye opening for me. I am glad I left. I’m hoping my kiddo also sees the difference in me.
Difficult
For the first few weeks post separation it was hard, mainly because I missed my kids. But for the two years we were separated I got in great shape, learned to be alone and love it, and had some great experiences.
