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I get it. I wouldn’t want to date a girl who has so little self-confidence as to date me.
I Don’t Want to Belong to Any Club That Will Accept Me as a Member
Anon thinks he “won” by getting the girl, not realising that entering a relationship isn’t the finish line.
What is the finish line
Dying together in bed at 100.
After drinking a bottle of wine laced with drugs inside the electrified compound to protect against raiders and clickers
if two people die together at the same time, foul play is always suspected.
Believe it or not? This is avoidant attachment style.
Like literal fucking definition.
Probably, but could just as well be anxious attachment since we don’t have the whole story. I’m on the anxious side and this happens a lot if the other doesn’t show enough interest or is closed off in conversation.
My first thought was OP is dismissive avoidant. It’s the no-overlap Venn diagram of, “I want to be close enough to be loved, but not close enough to be hurt.” OP: go take one of the attachment style tests online. There’s a lot of good stuff that might help you get out of this Catch 22. Who knows, though? There is scant information.
OP: do you find yourself resenting your partner? Wishing they’d get out of your space/stop bugging you with their needs?
Late but this post has got me curious. Is this a good test?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/tests/relationships/relationship-attachment-style-test
Update: ew, that test asks for a zip code. Nevermind. How about this one?
Second one looks good. She has got a bit click-baity, but I found a lot of Thais Gibson’s “Personal Development School” channel on YouTube to be really accessible. She has links to tests, but it’s also useful just listening to her video overviews if the different attachment styles and seeing if you recognise yourself in any of the descriptions. Certainly I was at a loss, watched them, and was like, “Oh shit! Her description of anxious preoccupieds and dismissive avoidance is almost verbatim what I’m dealing with!”
If you are dismissive avoidant, don’t read the comments. There are a lot of butthurt anxious preoccupieds out there. They really do experience DAs like that, but they’ve got their own shit to work out and contribute to the dynamic.
fair. I guess I haven’t dated anyone other than my ex wife so… I guess I really shouldn’t jump to these conclusions.
Could be ADHD. The idea of a new relationship and the dopamine from the chase and the victory would be relatively short-lived, and their brain would naturally start seeking out its next hit.
That’s a really distorted view of what ADHD is.
…
I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD since I was fourteen. I am now thirty. I’ve done my research to manage my condition and have come across this; and even more, I have experienced this very thing. It is not the whole picture, certainly, and as ADHD is a spectrum, it will not be present in all of us; but it is not an uncommon symptom; and it’s basically what I could pull from the post without making assumptions about anon’s other characteristics.
Do you have anything to back that up? Hypersexuality, which I’d argue the OC describes, is a common symptom of ADHD
The description of hypersexuality in your link doesn’t match losing interest in a partner as soon as there is familiarity. If anything, hypersexuality leads to wanting more sexual activity than their partner. That can contribute to fidelity issues, but that’s not the same as losing interest as soon as they get together.
ADHD doesn’t mean you can only be interested in novel things. People with ADHD tend to be impulsive and have trouble controlling how much attention they can allocate to each subject. They can still hold particular interests for years and decades.
The only argument for the behavior in the OC being attributable to ADHD, is that maybe they are compulsively jumping into relationships before finding out if they have any compatibility with the other person. So it’s not that ADHD made them lose interest immediately, it’s that they acted on impulse and started a relationship prematurely only to find out that they never liked the other person for more than their appearance. But that’s too much extrapolation for what is actually written.
Sounds like OP was focused on finding someone cute and willing to date him, than someone he genuinely clicked with and could have fun with even without sex. Don’t get me wrong, sex is great and very important for couples (outside of the Ace spectrum), but I truly pity people who aren’t dating their best friends.
When I was much younger this was an issue because I’d pursue people out of loneliness, not because they were actually a good match. After we’d be together for a few weeks, the loneliness would go away, and then I’d realise that I didn’t like them to begin with. Awful to do that to other people, I know.
Worked on it through therapy and overcame this behaviour.
Fuck this is me and I hate it
Get therapy or read Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
