Fuck. Was I always supposed to be able to get to sleep inside of ten minutes? What do you mean my attention is supposed to be like a searchlight that follows my eyes, and I’m not supposed to look through things? Why are all these objects in a pile distinct entities? I thought I had to use the ‘search’ function to return random loot from the pile? Why aren’t these random background noises filling me with a steady, seething rage?
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Yeah, I get it. The first few days of medication were incredibly eye-opening, and I had taken a shitload of stimulants before, mind you.
It felt like somebody had flipped the switch for the 5 billion whispers that were constantly talking in the background. It was honestly shocking. That was how neurotypical people experience life?
Now, the downside: I actually started to miss those whispers. They were my voice, after all, and they were not only distractions, but also my emotions, my creativity, my wit, my charm. It’s not that those things are all gone, but they are certainly subdued, muted.
So, whenever circumstances allow me to, I like to go back to my old, unmedicated self.
So far, my imagination is unaffected. If anything, I feel slightly improved - I no longer involuntarily flit mid-thought to another line of thinking entirely, and struggle to find my way back. I guess somewhat ironically for a stimulant, the big change feels like simply that everything has slowed down, so I can actually make decisions and distinctions.
I always love seeing these, I had my own not to long ago. Props to you for keeping it to one paragraph though, they’re usually…much longer.
Yay! Welcome to the club. Being able to filter out some of the overwhelming external stimuli is amazing. Not hearing the entire restaurant at once while failing to hear the person trying to talk to me. It does kind of equalize after the first month, so be prepared to adjust dosing, but feeling even halfway like a functional adult is a miracle of modern medicine.
My first day was like not having ADHD - at all. Never had that experience again unfortunately. So yes, I’m not surprised that it’s common.
Me when the first meds kicked in: Wow, this is what silence sounds like? It’s quite peaceful and lovely. I should take a nap.
I was just talking to my wife about this today. I started taking atomoxetine about a month ago. It isn’t instant the same way stimulants are so it’s been a steady, gradual change, but when I compare me today to me 3 months ago it honestly makes me want to cry. I made a doctors appointment today that I’ve been putting off for something the two years (it’s not something I really wanted to do and required I call to schedule it). But I stopped the video I was watching, made the call, and am going in about a week. I can clean up after a project now, I have the ability to just go do a task that needs done when it needs done. When it looked like I would not be able to get meds for a week or so I just couldn’t imagine going back to how I was before, I just refuse. I’m happier, more productive, and my marriage is better as we argue less over me not doing what she asked me to do because I forgot again. My push now is for my wife to schedule an evaluation since she is pretty sure she has inattentive type. I’m hoping seeing me be happier will help push her.
