busy as usual, alas
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Watched I Saw the TV Glow. Fucked me up. A little bit jealous because all my friends left the theater with the determination to start HRT so they don’t end up like the main character. Unfortunately I feel like whatever is wrong with me is much too innate and deep seated to be cured with hormones.
My friend who lashed out and dropped me for offering to pay for his medication started paying for it himself and now he’s super happy all the time. I’ve never felt more useless. I spent several years attempting to support him through his worst, and he basically told me that if I kept giving him false hope, he’d kill himself. Then as soon as I stopped, he did a 180 and feels great 24/7.
I can’t help myself and I can’t help other people, what am I doing here?
Do you think, maybe, that even if HRT wouldn’t touch the deepest stuff, that it would ease some matters and give you a bit more space?
It hurts to hear your friend is abusive toward you. I hope you can find ways to be as supportive toward yourself as you have been toward others - I get that the idea isn’t always so comfortable if there’s a lot of heavy history, but tending to yourself is the best way to tend to everything around you.
