Hey there. I am incredibly sad, downright depressed and mentally exhausted.
I wanted to celebrate my birthday yesterday for the first time (maybe ever?) with lots of nice people. I invited about 30-50 people. Some, I invited personally, some just casually through groups. Lots of those people I thought of as somehow close and friendly.
I exhausted myself in the effort of preparing the party, I rented a room, I prepared photos, activities, food, music, and just put a lot of mental energy into the planning. I have been planning it for about 2 months, invited those who were most important to me back then even.
5 people showed up.
I am devastated. I was always so anxious about my birthday and never celebrated it. I think I removed myself from groups a lot in my life. And only the last two years, I’ve started to understand my diagnosis and how to communicate with people. This throws all my anxiety and pain back into my body and brain.
I don’t know how to deal with it. Especially I don’t know how to interact with the people that were important to me and who didn’t show (or those who didn’t even cancel). My past behaviour was burning down all the bridges. I don’t think I should do that. But I also don’t know how to pretend like it doesn’t hurt…
Any advice about rejection anxiety and … well, real rejection?
Thank you.
I don’t have an actual answer to the question but this made me think of a recent realization and attitude that sounds emo and nihilistic but is kind of the opposite and pretty helpful: I try never to do anything unless I can do it not caring in the slightest whether it completely falls apart.
Sorry you went through that. Hope you can find a mental gyroscope for the aftermath.
I know what you mean and it’s the reason why at one point in the past, I started going to clubs or events by myself. I would invite people not expecting anyone to show up, thinking that I’d only invite people if I’d go by myself anyway.
Those things do work. But they sure don’t make me less alone.