cross-posted from: https://programming.dev/post/16125204
read right as polite, because they get offended easily.
I’m a male nurse in a predominantly female unit.
How I see a job: I’m there to work and go home and don’t want to socialize. Each of my coworkers is welcomed to talk about work with me, but I don’t disclose my personal life, age or life goals with them. Work and let me work. If you need help, call me, we’ll work together.
How my unit works: there is a group that’s childish and gossipy, don’t know boundaries and act like a clique, but maybe 50% of the unit are people that work and let me work, help me and I help them (with the gossip clique this is not always the case).
I was sick for 4 weeks and I’ve decided this is a good opportunity to establish boundaries, something I’ve never done at my current unit. Why now? Being sick I had time to think what I don’t want in my life: faking interest in the sexual life or my coworkers, knowing who started dating who or what they think of Biden or the second amendment ain’t things I care about. I’ve had a coworker trying to find me a girlfriend a week after knowing me. No thanks.
I’m entertaining other job prospects and I still don’t know if I’m gonna jump ship, so for the time being, I’m here. Where I work I’m forced to eat with the rest of the team, including the gossips, so I’m trapped (because if I don’t eat with them they’ll start asking why I’m so unfriendly or if I’m angry at them and feel offended, they simply cannot understand that sometimes I want time to unwind without them).
What I think I could tell them, next time they start with their inquisitive questions:
‘I’ve worked here for a year already. It should be clear by now that I’m not a talkative person. This is a question I don’t want to answer. And I hope that you respect that.’
‘that I don’t talk doesn’t mean I hate you, it means I have nothing to say’ < I find it ludicrous even having to explain this.
‘I don’t see what that has to do with the job’
‘I don’t talk about religion, politics or my private life with coworkers and I hope you respect that’
should they keep pestering:
‘all right, I need time to unwind, which means today I’ll spend my pause somewhere else.’ and proceed to eat alone somewhere else.
And if they pester yet again:
‘leave me alone’
if by this point some of them start giving me the evil eye and afterwards start ignoring me or treat me differently, time to accelerate my transfer to another unit.
If you like keeping boundaries with your coworkers, what do you tell them that works?
It doesn’t usually much more than, “I’m not going to talk about that.”
After repeating that a few times, when people ask or talk about something too personal, they’ll give up.https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1098624.When_I_Say_No_I_Feel_Guilty
Its dated and probably misogynistic given the period, but when I did read it many many years ago, the broken record technique is probably the one thing I do remember. It also had some role play dialog for how others may try and break the loop. I found it helpful at the time.
I think I read/heard something similar in one of the Love and Logic parenting books/ebooks. “Maybe so, but <repeat assertion>” comes to mind. Acknowledge the statement that attempts to break the loop, don’t add any new information, and repeat the assertion.
I’ve never needed anything beyond the combination of the whole “I don’t do politics, or religion at work”, and a blank stare until people go away.
And I was a nurse’s assistant, so it was a similar situation, where I was often the only male employee. I didn’t learn how to give good blank face until almost 30, though. It’s harder to do when you’re younger.
Later on, I had to add the bits about sex/romance because, believe it or not, some women will mess with you just to cause trouble. I would add sexual matters to the politics and religion, and just walk away. There’s zero way to engage in those kinds of talks as a man in the workplace. It can not end up in a good place.
Now, I could easily get away with the stone face because I’m typically a very friendly, polite, and affable guy. I’m even downright charming at times. So when I drew firm boundaries, it was rare for anyone to take it personally. Those that did, well, they’re not the sorts that last at any job.
Now, if it’s break time, and we’re swapping recipes or other nice things, I was often at my most affable because as much as I actually hate people in general, and get worn out from group interactions, I can fake being an extrovert very well. That’s mostly about a lot of listening, laughing in the right places, then offering the occasional bit of conversation to let them know you’re paying attention.
Workplace conversation should be casual at all times, no overly personal stuff, no hot button topics ever. If things are that friendly, meet up outside work and get back to the job. Not because of some bullshit protestant work ethic or capitalist bullshit, but because you agreed to do a thing for a period of time, and fucking around while the job is still on is lame.
