I got one for each ankle.

Gimme a break. Police K9s don’t actually detect the presence of drugs, they just respond to prompts from their handlers.

Must be nice.

I’ve been known to go into the women’s room to change a diaper when the men’s room doesn’t have a changing table. It doesn’t happen often, but it’s supremely irritating to me as a dad.

I used to know a guy who would go to festivals with a super soaker he called the Job Cannon. He’d walk around sniffing the air going “I smell patchouli” and screaming “Get a job, hippie!” before spraying people.

Sounds exactly like every other generic southern California pop punk band.

I like the cut of your jib, friend.

Removed by mod

Just pull yourself up by your bootstraps, Oswald!

Y

I don’t even know what the fuck this means.

After surviving my Baptist upbringing, I became an atheistic Satanist. It started as an act of pure spiteful rebellion, but over time grew into something more. I am no longer a member of any Satanic organization, but I still walk the left hand path to this day.

Rolling down hills?

Obligatory hail Satan!

Thank you, friend. I’m glad that your holiday season will be more complete!

I’m not excited about much. This will be my first Christmas since my wife and I separated, and I haven’t spoken with my own family for years, so it’s looking like I’ll be spending the better part of the holidays alone.

He can do it on a fucking unicycle for all I care, that’s not at all what I’m saying.

I can almost guarantee the bed of that particular truck has never seen a brick, or any other building material.