We visited my 83-year-old mom yesterday and let her know that we were going to use my dual citizenship to get to the UK to protect my queer daughter if Trump wins. She didn’t like the idea but didn’t say much. Then a short time ago I got this email.
Dear [MY NAME]
I know you are very worried about [DAUGHTER]'s safety if Trump wins. Here is what I want to say:
You have lived in a very privileged, unusual time with more stability than usual. People in the US and elsewhere have been able to say publicly who and what they are.
That was not true for much of history and for at least half of my life.
What did people do before?
They hid who they were, with few exceptions.
We are in a time of transition, and there may be no safe place in the world.
Certainly not England or Europe (both are becoming more fascist).
The best way to protect [DAUGHTER] is to teach her she may have to choose how public or private she is in the near future.
Up until now, you have helped her be public about who she is.
That privilege may be over.
And it may have given her a false impression.
If Trump wins, all of us are going to have to decide between resistance and safety.
To be safe, just obey the (new) rules.
Being hysterical just draws attention–the worst thing in a dictatorship.
Hiding can be literal (like building a false wall in your house) or political (like staying quiet and unobtrusive.)
Let’s wait and see what happens in this election before deciding how to protect [DAUGHTER]…
Love,
Mom
Not only is my mother apparently blissfully unaware that queer people who were closeted got thrown in jail for it all the time anyway. She also seems to be unaware that my daughter has no problem telling people she’s queer. She has no problem with me doing it and sharing things like pictures of her girlfriend with friends and family online.
Which means that Trump’s administration could very easily figure out who she is.
But yeah, my mother thinks the solution to protecting my daughter from Trump is for her to go into the closet and hope no one finds out.
For fuck’s sake. I know she’s an old lady, but it’s 2024.
What would she say if my daughter’s mother was Latina? Wear pancake makeup and color contacts? Change her name to something not-Spanish?
I’m not even going to bother replying.
As someone from the outside, your mother’s email reads rational, level-headed and pragmatic.
Please read some of the other comments people have made. Because you really need to.
While I also read the email as pragmatic, I don’t read it as kind or loving. It reads like a letter written out of fear. I don’t think your daughter should have to hide who she is to be safe, but I would also want your child to be safe.
I hope you can hold at least two truths about this letter in your head. It isn’t right to expect LGBT people to hide who they are for safety. And also, a worried family member wants their family to be safe, even if they don’t know the right way for that to happen.
She’s welcome to be as worried as she likes.
I haven’t cut off all contact with her. I texted her about something unrelated to this like half an hour ago and we were joking about it.