This is depression, alcoholism; it’s getting pretty late-stage. All of this is wrong, and everything I’ve gone through insists they’re fucking Reifenstahl.

Yes, I have mentioned her twice this week. It’s because it’s germane. I’m using that word a lot more, too. It holds a certain connotation.

But that aside, I do not want 988. I want a solution, not some attempt to make me believe rich people shall be my saviors.

  • Gaywallet (they/it)@beehaw.orgM
    6·
    20 days ago

    I understand that you’re hurting and you’re trying to reach out for help, but I really struggle with understanding what you need here. I often struggle following your train of thought, it takes a lot of stops at references I don’t get and the purpose is lost along the way. I think you’re hurting and you need to vent, but I don’t know that betterment and praxis is the space to do it? Or am I misunderstanding what you’re asking for here?

    • Pete Hahnloser@beehaw.orgOP
      5·
      20 days ago

      I honestly don’t know what I’m asking for, either, which makes making sense difficult. Sometimes, all I can tell is “not this,” which is not particularly useful, I realise.

      • kruffa@beehaw.orgEnglish
        6·
        20 days ago

        Well, I’d say that “not this” is quite useful and also hopeful.

        From personal experience I think the biggest holes I’ve climbed out of didn’t even give that much direction. Knowing and/or wanting anything (even if it’s “not this”) is a decent start.

        If you keep trying to find ways to express yourself I think that you can slowly start to raise the floor of whatever hole you’re in.

          • kruffa@beehaw.orgEnglish
            2·
            19 days ago

            Since you have a good sense of “not this” I’m inclined to throw some shit at you and maybe something might stick and work out well to function as a a rebar net to get that concrete floor started so you don’t have to start all the way down every fucking time.

            Before I do though I wonder if you’d like to get a small list of stuffs to check out? <– this is the actual question!

              • kruffa@beehaw.orgEnglish
                2·
                18 days ago

                So, here we go…

                My short list of things that seem to have turned things around for me:

                • Finding 1 thing to have as a foundation for every day. 1 habit to get going. For me it works like a very basic routine (that I can anchor other stuff on) and also thermometer for how I’m doing. Somehow I decided to teach myself to make my bed every day. Roughly 6 years in I still have to think about doing it almost every time. And if I realise around noon that I haven’t made my bed it makes me realise that I’m having, at least, a bad day!
                • Caring for something that is alive. I stumbled onto a cheatcode: I became a parent. But what really made the biggest difference was being able to keep houseplants alive! A child is somehow too obvious. I guess pets fill the same place. Or a neighbour that needs stuff from the store, whatever, just something that is alive that you care for in some way.
                • This self-compassion workbook is what finally tipped the scale for me. While it seems to be easy for me to fall into depression at any point in my life, being aware of the idea of self-compassion makes it solo much easier to climb out.
                • Going and moving around outside as often as possible. Walking, biking, swimming, skipping.
                • Intermittent fasting has helped me a lot (I do the “easiest” 16/8), not to loose weight or whatever health benefits people ascribe to it, but to notice time and to make it harder to keep my food addictions going as hard (like stuffing myself at night after a whole day of not being able to get up from the sofa to eat).

                And by “turned things around” I mean that I’ve managed to raise the floor of my personal hole enough so that my every day life actually kind of works. My economy is not wrecked. I have friends that call/text me to socialise and not only to keep tabs on me or check that I’m still around. I’m making plans for the future-future (so like 1-3 years not only for today or this week), stuff like that.

                I’m not “cured”, I still get depressed for months some times, but it’s months and not years. And I let myself be depressed, for whatever reason there is this time, rather than bash myself for being depressed.

                Sorry, this turned out more bloggy and preachy than intended. I hope you find something useful anyway :)

      • Gaywallet (they/it)@beehaw.orgM
        3·
        20 days ago

        Are you in therapy or have a mental health professional you see? If not and funding is an issue, have you reached out to local free/discounted healthcare groups to see if there’s mental health resources you can get access to? Unfortunately on the internet like this, we aren’t professionals and can’t provide that kind of help.

        • Pete Hahnloser@beehaw.orgOP
          3·
          20 days ago

          I have treatment-resistant major depressive disorder. I can understand why this looks like doing nothing; hell, I just got off the phone with my former boss I met in detox who feels the same way.

          My problem with mental-health services is they focus on turning you back into a good little bitch for the rich. I think you know that’s not me.

          • RaspberryRobot@beehaw.org
            2·
            20 days ago

            It’s a bit of a shot in the dark here, but have you considered looking into psychedelics? If you’re careful with them I’ve heard they can be life changing for treatment resistant depression and addiction. I only have experience with high thc cannabis (infrequently but at somewhat regular intervals, 1-4 times a month), but even that’s helped me (not in an assimilation into capitalism kind of way but in a feeling less burdened by the world kind of way, freer to pursue community, relationsips, etc, with less fear)

            Even if you keep it in mind as a last resort, it might be something to consider.

            Alternately/concurrently perhaps look into philosophy like that of Mark Fisher, bell hooks, or Lacan/Zizek for more perspectives from people trying to make sense of our current social reality.

            • Pete Hahnloser@beehaw.orgOP
              1·
              20 days ago

              I actually have! Grew way more shrooms than needed. Like seriously, four fucking quarts, which I figured would made for good trade at a regional burn. Except everyone had them, too. Trading for E was a difficult ask.

          • Vodulas [they/them]@beehaw.org
            1·
            20 days ago

            I am not a mental health professional by any means, but if this was your experience I think you may have had a shitty therapist. Everybody I know that is in therapy and likes their therapist complains about late stage capitalism with their therapist.

            • Pete Hahnloser@beehaw.orgOP
              1·
              20 days ago

              I don’t often share this, but my father was regarded as Arizona’s foremost adolescent-suicide expert. The issue is self-evident if you are aware of the quality of parenting you get in this situation. This is why I want to fix the world but can’t fix myself.

              • Vodulas [they/them]@beehaw.org
                4·
                20 days ago

                No offense to your father, but that doesn’t seem like it invalidates what i said. Sounds like a shitty therapist. I understand the trauma of a shit parent, but that seems like a sketch mix of bad therapist and distant (at best) parent. I’m legitimately sorry you had to deal with that.

                As someone that has dealt (not well) with depression, I get the work it takes to find a therapist that clicks, but fuck it might save your life. Be up front about your history. If they are worth their salt they will give 0 shits about who your father was.