Ye TIFU big time, not only today but the next years to come.
I always thought I wanted kids, but after we married I started realising I don’t want kids. I like the freedom I have, playing video games, going to gym, travel,… all with only my wife.
My TIFU: I realised way too late after marrying and building a house that wanting kids will never be what I want. I always listened to people: “That will change, believe me”; “When your older you will!”
The thought of a kid might be good sometimes, but the more I think of it the worse it gets.
I had to talk with my wife and she started crying, understandable.
We are now in our house, I still love her and she still loves me but the kids problem is a huge problem cause she only wants kids with me. She is now 33, already “old” for kids.
I think I destroyed everything. I can’t change somehow that I don’t want kids, I was hoping that my thoughts of “Yeah maybe in future, would be cool” would turn into something I’d do anything for. But it’s just not happening and I feel like I lived a lie to her, giving her wrong hopes and we married, built house,…
It’s nothing I couldn’t solve though, I just feel bad for her and I feel like I should just give her a kid before her chance vanishes. I don’t think she will find a new man in a while to get kids right away. She is already 33.
I don’t know what her plans are yet. I told her Im open to anything, let her date and find someone I don’t want to be in her way and I won’t make it harder than it already is. I’d just disapear a while and if she needs me she can call. I’d always be there for her, even if she finds a new person and this person would break up with her I’d support her even if it wouldn’t be my own child.
It’s weird cause I still love her, she loves me (I guess), but the “child problem” is so huge I dont want to say: “you cant have kids” nor do I want to just get a kid to make her happy.
The best thing that could happen is if she would find someone who wants kids and loves her just as much as I do and me leaving.
Once this is all over I will never ever get a new person in my life. Not because I couldn’t, I just want my peace. I think Im a loner and better off alone. But I’d still be there if she calls me in the middle of the night (if she would, I don’t think she’d ever do it after this) but I’d still remain helping her if ever needed. This doesn’t make it easier for her though. And not for me either.
But the TIFU is about me fuc.king up and I guess it’s all me to blame for not wanting childrend and knowing this so “late” after all this.
Nothing I can fix. The only solution would be just making a kid and playing my role the next 18 years until it moves out.
EDIT: Im just discovering that I more and more do not want kids. Looking at my friends, who can’t sleep all night, who can’t go on vacations or afford simple things,… or even worse: looking at my friend who has 3 kids and a house but divorced. He is living in a 20m² room, paying 1200 € child support and 50% f the house and he is broke. And yes, there are also positive examples of quiet kids and good families, but I just don’t want to risk it and just cause I raise a kid doesn’t mean it’ll be with me forever.
I know many people 60+ who have children that never visit them.
Well this certainly hits me hard. I had the opposite happen. I was with a woman who was very staunchly “no kids.” And while we were dating, I was on the fence about having kids. All the reasons, they cost too much money, too much time, the environment is being destroyed, what kind of future will they have, I can hardly take care of myself, how can I take care of them?
So I told her, “I could go either way and be happy. Kids, no kids, no big deal.” And that was true at the start of our relationship. But after a decade… Well before we got married I broke down one evening, real drunk, and told her that I really did want to have a child with her, and that if we couldn’t have a child, then whenever we can afford it, I’d like to adopt. She told me she didn’t want to have kids, but would consider adoption. we decided to put a pin in it, get married, and talk about it again later.
Well this time it was her turn to change her mind, because after being married 2 years we have the conversation again and this time the only kid she’d be willing to “adopt” would be a gay teenage run-away. Like if a family kicked a kid out of their house for being gay, she’d be willing to bring them in. And I’m just like… I pictured adopting a child, like a 4-6 year old at the most? So now it was big decision time, and I had to make one.
She didn’t want to make me unhappy by us never having kids, and I didn’t want to make her unhappy by forcing her to have them. So what did we do? Us, two people who loved each other unconditionally? We split up. And it was the hardest, most awful thing I’ve ever had to do.
I’m just now getting over the relationship enough to start dating again (just took me five fucking years), and now I feel like I may be too old to have kids! I’m 39 now, and I know guys can have kids anytime, but I want to be able to play with my kids, be present in their lives, be a fun dad. well at this rate I’ll be mid 40’s before I’m ever teaching a kid to ride a bike, and good god then I’ll have to work until I’m dead just to make sure the kid has a chance at a happy life.
I just don’t understand how people just “have” kids. Like, zero forethought, zero planning.
At this point, I think I should just find a cute single mom because I just don’t feel like I have time anymore to build a family from scratch