I’m 40 years old, in a crappy job without prospects despite degrees, and I have 0 friends.

I used to have a grand total of 2 friends before Covid, but then we lost contact. I’ve tried to rekindle, but all effort was onesided so I stopped.

I’m a lifelong spineless people pleaser despite lots of therapy, and the ironic thing is that this turns people off of you instead of having them like you.

At this point I don’t see any reasons to continue trying.

If I had one wish in life, it would be to be a stereotypical asshole with actual self esteem - those are the kinds of people who seem to be anle to reach all of their goals and have others worship the ground they walk on.

But as for me, I’m so turned off by other people in general that I would probably be morbidly amused to read, oh I dunno, that Moscow nuked Kiev (or vive versa), that Jerusalem is burning, or that my hometown was wiped away by a hurricane.

Not to be “edgy”. It’s emotionally debilitating, and to be clear I don’t enjoy/wish for human suffering.

I’ve just become as indifferent to it as the world seems to be to me. Simple tit for tat.

I’m tired. Kinda hoped I wouldn’t wake up from my anaesthesia today. Ah well.

  • trainsaresexy@lemmy.worldEnglish
    2·
    2 months ago

    I recognize that! I wonder how long you’ve been in this headspace? Definitely cynical loop as someone else said. That edge isn’t you it’s your state of mind that you might be stuck in.

    When I’m in the red zone I’m irritable, and my values are to be honest so I tend not to be a people pleaser by default. I wonder if you being a persistent people pleaser is a symptom of you being depressed rather than the fixed trait you might think of it is as. Self destructive behaviour like that can manifest from low mood states.

    • Kyrgizion@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
      1·
      2 months ago

      Oh man, I posted this so long ago, and I wish I could say things have improved, but they’re so much worse now. I was spiralling and made some really dumb decisions that have since cost me:

      • my job
      • my SO
      • my best friend

      Right now I’m genuinely waiting to die. I’m still too much of a coward to do anything myself but there is nothing left to fight for. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I’m beyond tired. I don’t even feel the pain anymore. I’m completely numb. Some people are simply too weak or broken to live, let alone to thrive. I feel sorry for stealing oxygen from more evolved and worthy creatures like, I dunno, gnats or earthworms.

      • trainsaresexy@lemmy.worldEnglish
        2·
        2 months ago

        Oh no. Well… I can’t offer much but maybe I’ll message you again in a month? If you want. You want some podcast recommendations?

  • Hellnikko@lemmy.worldEnglish
    1·
    3 months ago

    Obviously this is in mental health. If you’re self aware of how cynical you are (and believe me, I’ve also been there as I’m also in my 40s), you really should look for avenues of therapy that resonate with you. Someone to talk to could actually hash out some inner feelings and turmoil you might be holding on.

    I am/was a people pleaser also. It’s hard to not be nice when people ask but I also realize if I’m saying yes to someone, I’m saying no to myself or something that might be more important. It’s good to at least weigh the balance that way.

    My final suggestion is a tall order. It may or may not be a popular suggestion here, but I found that stoicism has helped me. I read, watch videos, and listen to podcasts about the ancient Stoics and it helps me deal with feelings and encounters that enhance those feelings. Getting road rage? Take a deep breath and forgive that person who cut you off. Everyone has their demons and misfortune and perhaps they needed it more. But the point is you take and keep control of your feelings and actions and then you’ll pursue peace. Of course shitty things will happen in the world and you don’t want to be callous about them. But once you keep your integrity, authenticity, and pursue wisdom, courage, justice and temperance, everyone will see that and follow suit.

    Good luck, stranger. I’m just an idiot on the Internet but your words pulled on my heartstrings.

    • Kyrgizion@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
      0·
      2 months ago

      The physical wounds have closed, but mentally I’m spiralling.

      I had expected some… drawbacks from the operation but God, I wasn’t prepared to be treated as a literal moron. People see I don’t have teeth or they hear my speech impediment and they don’t even consider me human anymore. Especially at work. On top of that, my son who is being bullied at school got successfully baited by one of his bullies to do something stupid in front of the teacher and he might be expelled. Life’s just a lemon tree that bears fruit daily…

  • Kiliyukuxima@lemmy.worldEnglish
    0·
    3 months ago

    If you don’t have a hobby, start by getting one. One where you need to interact with people, and eventually, you’ll meet them and possibly make friends. If you’re stuck between work and home, it’s hard to meet new people and move on. One can’t expect to keep the same friends forever in most y you just have to make new ones because people change

    • Kyrgizion@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
      0·
      3 months ago

      You’re absolutely right, and just yesterday I signed up to join a numismatics club in a neighboring city. I don’t know anyone there and this is rather out of character for me, but as you and others have said, staying in my little cocoon will never change my situation.